haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
