The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
