I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
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My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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