Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
