If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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