last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
