tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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