I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
