drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
