I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
