Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
