Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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