my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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