You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
