if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
