Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
