my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
