Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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