Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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