How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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