I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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