Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
