He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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