If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
