Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
