my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
