I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
