smell my finger.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
