I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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