hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
