Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
