i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
