I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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