So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
