i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
