I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
