I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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