i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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