am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
