why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When are your genitals available?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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