The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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