I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
