Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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