Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
