I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
