Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
