Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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