3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
