that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
