Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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