She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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