my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
