My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
