Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
