I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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