He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
